AI is an Assistant
Write first, then review
Literary agents frequently don’t read beyond the first chapter of your book (unless they love it, which I’ve heard does happen sometimes)! There are even contests where a “publishing professional” reads just your first sentence and critiques it. I wonder what the editor who first read this thought:
Most of us can’t write a sentence like that, but if you don’t get the readers interested in your beginning, they’ll never get to your middle or end. It’s unfair and even lazy on the part of readers, but that’s the age we live in. If there’s a tool that can help you, why not use it? AI can do that, and I’m going to show some examples below.
First, let’s look at how some best selling and highly respected nonfiction authors begin their work. Then we’ll look at an example that, being gentle here, could be improved.
Malcolm Gladwell
You can love Malcolm Gladwell or hate him, but he does sell books: more than I do, and probably more than you do, too.
These are the opening words of two of his best-selling books.
The Tipping Point
For Hush Puppies the classic American brushed suede shoes with the lightweight crepe sole—the Tipping Point came somewhere between late 1994 and early 1995. The brand had been all but dead until that point. Sales were down to 30,000 pairs a year, mostly to backwoods outlets and small town family stores. Wolverine, the company that makes Hush Puppies, was thinking of phasing out the shoes that made them famous. But then something strange happened. At a fashion shoot, two Hush Puppies executives—Owen Baxter and Geoffrey Lewis—ran into a stylist from New York who told them that the classic Hush Puppies had suddenly become hip in the clubs and bars of downtown Manhattan. "We were being told," Baxter recalls, "that there were resale shops in the Village, in Soho, where the shoes were being sold. People were going to the Ma and Pa stores, the little stores that still carried them, and buying them up."
Two characters, Owen and Geoffrey, are introduced, and they face an unbelievable event (Hush Puppies are hip)! And we get details. Don’t you want to learn more?
Outliers
Roseto Valfortore lies one hundred miles southeast of Rome in the Apennine foothills of the Italian province of Foggia. In the style of medieval villages, the town is organized around a large central square. Facing the square is the Palazzo Marchesale, the palace of the Saggese family, once the great landowner of those parts. An archway to one side leads to a church, the Madonna del Carmine—Our Lady of Mount Carmine. Narrow stone steps run up the hillside, flanked by closely clustered two-story stone houses with red-tile roofs.
For centuries, the paesani of Roseto worked in the marble quarries in the surrounding hills, or cultivated the fields in the terraced valley below, walking four and five miles down the mountain in the morning and then making the long journey back up the hill at night. Life was hard. The townsfolk were barely literate and desperately poor and without much hope for economic betterment until word reached Roseto at the end of the nineteenth century of the land of opportunity …
Painting a picture of Roseto, an ancient village. And there are people, too: the Saggese family, and the paesani, and a hint that something happens to them.
John McPhee
John McPhee is arguably the greatest nonfiction writer alive today.
Basin and Range (Annals of the Former World Book 1)
This is a book about geology, and furthermore it’s not even about Iceland or some exotic place like that; it’s about North America! How do you make that interesting?
The poles of the earth have wandered. The equator has apparently moved. The continents, perched on their plates, are thought to have been carried so very far and to be going in so many directions that it seems an act of almost pure hubris to assert that some landmark of our world is fixed at 73 degrees 57 minutes and 53 seconds west longitude and 40 degrees 51 minutes and 14 seconds north latitude—a temporary description, at any rate, as if for a boat on the sea. Nevertheless, these coordinates will, for what is generally described as the foreseeable future, bring you with absolute precision to the west apron of the George Washington Bridge. Nine A.M. A weekday morning. The traffic is some gross demonstration in particle physics. It bursts from its confining source, aimed at Chicago, Cheyenne, Sacramento, through the high dark roadcuts of the Palisades Sill. A young woman, on foot, is being pressed up against the rockwall by the wind booms of the big semis—Con Weimar Bulk Transportation, Fruehauf Long Ranger. Her face is Nordic, her eyes dark brown and Latin —the bequests of grandparents from the extremes of Europe. She wears mountain boots, blue jeans. She carries a single-jack sledgehammer. What the truckers seem to notice, though, is her youth, her long bright Norwegian hair; and they flirt by air horn, driving needles into her ears. Her name is Karen Kleinspehn. She is a geologist, a graduate student nearing her Ph.D., and there is little doubt in her mind that she and the road and the rock before her, and the big bridge and its awesome city—in fact, nearly the whole of the continental United States and Canada and Mexico to boot—are in stately manner moving in the direction of the trucks. She has not come here, however, to ponder global tectonics, although goodness knows she could, the sill being, in theory, a signature of the events that created the Atlantic. In the Triassic, when New Jersey and Mauretania were of a piece, the region is said to have begun literally to pull itself apart, straining to spread out, to break into great crustal blocks. Valleys in effect competed. One of them would open deep enough to admit ocean water, and so for some years would resemble the present Red Sea. The mantle below the crust—exciting and excited by these events—would send up fillings of fluid rock, and with such pressure behind them that they could intrude between horizontal layers of, say, shale and sandstone and lift the country a thousand feet. The intrusion could spread laterally through hundreds of square miles, becoming a broad new layer—a sill—within the country rock.
It’s geology, and yet it’s tied to the George Washington Bridge, the trucks, and the attractive young Karen Kleinspehn. We’re going to learn all about geology and it’s going to be fun! This is why McPhee is the GOAT.
Robert Caro
Robert Caro’s five-volume biography of Lyndon Johnson (four of which are published, and one more on his Presidential years) is quite possibly. the greatest biography ever written (sorry, Thomas Boswell).
TWO OF THE MEN lying on the blanket that day in 1940 were rich. The third was poor—so poor that he had only recently purchased the first suit he had ever owned that fit correctly—and desperately anxious not to be: thirty-two-year-old Congressman Lyndon Johnson had been pleading with one of the other two men, George Brown, to find him a business in which he could make a little money. So when Brown, relaxing in the still-warm Autumn sun at the luxurious Greenbrier Hotel in the mountains of West Virginia, heard the third man, Charles Marsh, make his offer to Lyndon Johnson, he felt sure he knew what the answer would be.
Again, the story opens with people: George Brown, Charles Marsh, and our main character, Lyndon Johnson. He was a poor boy and Caro tells us, vividly, how poot. The stage is set.
Edmund Phelps
“Who’s that?” you ask. Ned Phelps won the 2006 Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences. I hosted him at Google, and since he and his wife got there an hour early, it was my honor and privilege to entertain them.
One of the things Ned said to me was that he wished he had the knack of telling stories and making his writing more exciting. AI can help with that, although it wasn’t available when he was writing “Mass Flourishing.” Let’s see how his book opens.
Mass Flourishing
WHAT HAPPENED IN THE 19TH CENTURY that caused people in some countries to have—for the first time in human history—unbounded growth of their wages, expansion of employment in the market economy, and widespread satisfaction with their work? And what happened to cause many of these nations—by now, all of them, or so it would appear—to lose all that in the 20th century? This book aims to understand how this rare prosperity was gained and how it was lost.
I set out in this book a new perspective on what the prosperity of nations is. Flourishing is the heart of prospering engagement, meeting challenges, self-expression, and personal growth. Receiving income may lead to flourishing but is not itself a form of flourishing. A person's flourishing comes from the experience of the new: new situations, new problems, new insights, and new ideas to develop and share. Similarly, prosperity on a national scale—mass flourishing—comes from broad involvement of people in the processes of innovation: the conception, development, and spread of new methods and products—indigenous innovation down to the grassroots. This dynamism may be narrowed or weakened by institutions arising from imperfect understanding or competing objectives. But institutions alone cannot create it. Broad dynamism must be fueled by the right values and not too diluted by other values.
There is a mystery (how this rare prosperity was gained and how it was lost), but there are no people puzzling over it. There are no examples of “prosperity” either; it’s an abstraction.
Whenever I was hosting an author, the publisher would always send me the book ahead of time. I didn’t tell Ned this, but I couldn’t get past his first chapter. It was all abstractions and stuffy academic prose. I suspect that, in the academic world, if you don’t write that way you’re considered a “popularizer” and therefore not serious. If you’re a grad student and you complain, you’ve probably just made your advisor doubt your fitness for academia.
AI to the Rescue
Let’s see what AI has to say: I prompted it with, “This writing is considered boring. Critic [sic] it and suggest ways to improve”
It said:
Why It Might Feel Boring
Lack of Storytelling:
The writing is concept-heavy and abstract, but readers often connect best with stories and examples. Without concrete illustrations or anecdotes, the text feels dry and detached.Overuse of Abstract Language:
Terms like flourishing, prosperity, innovation, and dynamism are repeated but remain vague. Readers may struggle to visualize these ideas or connect with them emotionally.Too Formal and Academic Tone:
The writing feels more like a textbook than an engaging narrative. Words like unbounded growth of wages or indigenous innovation down to the grassroots sound academic and can alienate a general audience.Lack of Variation in Sentence Structure:
Most sentences are long, complex, and structured similarly, which can be monotonous. Shorter sentences and occasional rhetorical shifts would add rhythm and energy.No Emotional Hook:
While the opening poses interesting questions, it doesn’t evoke curiosity, surprise, or an emotional connection. Readers need to feel why this topic matters.
How to Improve It
1. Add Stories or Concrete Examples
Abstract ideas come alive when paired with vivid examples or stories. For instance:
Instead of "prosperity on a national scale comes from broad involvement of people in the processes of innovation", you could illustrate this with a historical or relatable example:
"Think of the Industrial Revolution in 19th-century Britain: small workshops became bustling factories as everyday inventors—tinkerers and craftspeople—introduced new machines and methods that changed the world."
Tip: Use historical case studies, anecdotes, or even individual stories to humanize your ideas.
2. Make It More Conversational
Replace academic jargon with simpler, more relatable language.
Original: "Broad dynamism must be fueled by the right values and not too diluted by other values."
Revised: "True progress thrives when people value creativity, problem-solving, and growth—and when those ideals aren’t overshadowed by competing priorities."
Tip: Write as if you’re speaking to an intelligent friend, not lecturing a classroom.
3. Ask Questions and Use “You”
Engage readers directly by posing questions or addressing them:
Revised Opening: "What happened in the 19th century that made wages soar, markets boom, and people excited about their work for the first time? And what changed to undo all of that in the 20th century? Imagine living through that transformation—first seeing hope and progress, and then watching it fade away."
Why it works: Direct address and vivid “imagine” phrases make the reader feel involved.
4. Vary Sentence Structure
Mix short, punchy sentences with longer ones to create rhythm and energy.
Original: "Receiving income may lead to flourishing but is not itself a form of flourishing."
Revised: "Money helps. But money alone doesn’t make life fulfilling. Flourishing means growth—discovering something new, solving problems, sharing ideas."
Tip: Use shorter sentences to emphasize key points.
5. Evoke Emotion and Surprise
Surprise readers with unexpected insights or contrasts:
"We often think prosperity means wealth. But what if it’s about something deeper? What if real prosperity means feeling challenged, growing, and creating something meaningful?"
Tip: Challenge assumptions or highlight surprising contrasts to keep readers curious.
Sample Revised Paragraph
Let’s revise part of your text with these suggestions:
Original:
"Flourishing is the heart of prospering engagement, meeting challenges, self-expression, and personal growth. Receiving income may lead to flourishing but is not itself a form of flourishing. A person's flourishing comes from the experience of the new: new situations, new problems, new insights, and new ideas to develop and share."
Revised:
“What does it mean to truly flourish? It’s not just about earning a paycheck—though money matters. It’s about growth. Think of a time you solved a tricky problem or shared an idea that made others think. That’s flourishing: facing new challenges, learning, and creating something that matters. Now imagine a whole country full of people doing that—discovering, innovating, and building. That’s what I call ‘mass flourishing.’”
Summary of Key Improvements
Use stories and concrete examples to make abstract ideas relatable.
Adopt a conversational tone to engage readers more naturally.
Ask questions and speak directly to the reader.
Vary your sentence length to add rhythm and energy.
Evoke emotion and curiosity by surprising readers or challenging assumptions.
By incorporating these techniques, the writing will become more engaging, dynamic, and relatable.
Conclusions
Wow. I couldn’t have said it better myself (really)! Before you get disgusted and say you’re sick of all the AI bilge that’s polluting the Internet: so am I. But I do not mean you should just copy-paste AI garbage instead of writing your own thoughts. Or even use it as a first draft, which a lot of people seem to advise. You own the writing and you should write the first draft.
I think what a writer should do with that feedback is take it under advisement. Take it as suggestions and not dictation. AI is your smart assistant, not your overlord.
I should mention that Dr. Phelps’ talk was very well-attended, and afterwards we went to lunch with an enthusiastic group of Googlers. One Vietnamese man, in particular, touched me when he said that his father was in the economics ministry in Hanoi and he really wished his dad could have been there.
A friend who’s all-in with AI told me the way to use it is iteratively. Dr. Phelps could say to it, “Can you make this a little less informal?” and it would do it.
Now let me be fair and feed it my own writing (gulp!):
My Own Last Post
I’ll just refer to my post here instead of copying it. I fed it everything down to “The Waffle-Off”. It said:
Strengths:
Conversational Tone:
Your informal, conversational style makes the text approachable and relatable, like you’re chatting with a friend over coffee. Phrases like “you and your family are worth it, aren’t you?” add a personal, engaging touch.Humor and Personality:
The self-deprecating humor (“totally un-original” and “Jerry doesn’t write much”) adds charm and makes you likable. The mention of Jerry Morrison adds a quirky, relatable character to the narrative.Clear Context:
You set the stage well, identifying a common perception about waffles (“frozen in the toaster” or “done properly by a trained professional”). This creates a clear contrast between the norm and your approach.
Areas for Improvement:
Overuse of Parentheses:
While parentheses can work in casual writing, overusing them interrupts the flow and makes the text feel scattered. For example:“us” means me and Jerry Morrison. Jerry doesn’t write much.
Consider integrating this into the main text for smoother reading:
“Let us know how to improve it. By ‘us,’ I mean me and Jerry Morrison—though Jerry doesn’t write much.”
Clunky Sentence Structure:
Some sentences feel overly long or awkward. For example:“Making them at home just seems like too much trouble for most people.”
Could be tightened to:
“For most people, making waffles at home feels like too much trouble.”
Inconsistent Flow:
The text occasionally jumps between ideas without clear transitions. For instance, the shift from “waffles as a Special Occasion breakfast” to “Jerry enlightened me” feels abrupt.Assumptions About the Reader:
Phrases like “Maybe that’s not you, in which case, congratulations” can feel slightly dismissive or alienating to readers who already make waffles regularly. Instead, acknowledge their experience while still inviting them to read on.
Suggested Revision:
**I don’t post many cooking recipes, and I’m definitely not trying to become a Food Influencer™ with the best recipe for everything. But you know what? That’s freeing. It means I can skip trying to be original and just tell you what works for me. If you like it, try it—and let me know how to make it better (by ‘me,’ I also mean Jerry Morrison. Jerry’s great, but he doesn’t write much).
Waffles-from-scratch have become part of my regular breakfast rotation, and guess what? You can do it, too. Seriously—your family is worth it, aren’t they?
For most people, waffles fall into two categories:
Frozen waffles, popped into the toaster.
Restaurant waffles, prepared by professionals who probably went to Waffle University.
Making them at home? It feels like a hassle. There’s the mess, the special equipment, and the time. So waffles get relegated to Special Occasion breakfasts—Mother’s Day, birthdays, or brunches where you’re trying to impress someone.
That was me. I thought homemade waffles were too much trouble until Jerry enlightened me. Now, I make them regularly. No recipe. No stress. And yes, it’s worth it. Here’s how.”
Why This Works:
Smoother Transitions: The revised version flows more naturally between ideas, guiding the reader without abrupt shifts.
Streamlined Sentences: By tightening and simplifying the language, the writing feels more polished and engaging.
Maintained Humor: Jerry Morrison remains a quirky, relatable presence, and your personality shines through.
Reader-Friendly: Inviting the reader into the process (“Here’s how”) builds curiosity and encourages them to stick around for the recipe.
With these changes, the writing becomes more cohesive, engaging, and polished while keeping its warmth and humor intact.
Reactions
This is pretty good feedback. I don’t care for “guess what?” and “you know what?” but as I said, AI feedback should be taken seriously but not literally. You don’t have to incorporate every suggestion (“Waffle University” is good. I’d use that).
Don’t turn up your nose at AI. If it can help you, use it.
Epilogue
Just for yucks I gave ChatGPT the opening of this article. It gave me a revised opening, which I think sounds like every other web page, so I didn’t use it. It might be “better” in some sense, but I’d rather sound like me.
Did you know that many literary agents decide within the first page—or even the first sentence—whether to keep reading your manuscript? It’s a high-pressure reality for writers, but it highlights a critical truth: a captivating opening is essential. If readers don’t engage with the beginning, they’ll never reach your middle or end.
Even in publishing contests, professionals often judge entries by the first sentence alone. While this may feel daunting, it underscores the importance of making a strong first impression. Tools like AI aren’t mandatory, but they can offer valuable support. For instance, AI can help refine your prose or suggest alternative phrasings to maximize impact.
Let’s analyze how some successful nonfiction authors begin their works, and then review an example that—while promising—has room for improvement.